AKATSUKI LIVE IN CONCERT!
by LoneWolf KIA
Summary: Akatsuki crack-fic. After finding some mysterious tickets, the Akatsuki head out to Spiritfest: a concert festival featuring hippies, suspicious narcotics and SHINY BEADS! contains strong language, sex and drug references and gratuitous funny moments
1. Chapter 1

AKATSUKI LIVE IN CONCERT!!!

If this was a western movie, tumbleweeds would have been bouncing along the corridors of the Akatsuki base.

"I'm so fucking bored!!" Hidan cried, flopping down onto the couch in frustration.

Kisame and Deidara looked up from the game of snakes and ladders they were playing on the living room floor.

"Then go do something," scowled Deidara as he angrily slid his counter down a snake that looked disturbingly like Orochimaru…

"There's _nothing _else to do!!" he moaned, "I've already broken every fragile item in the base, painted all the furniture with rabbit blood and kicked Tobi down the basement stairs! I'm totally out of stuff to do!"

Kisame chewed his lip thoughtfully as he rolled the dice across the board.

"Why down you go and see what Pein's doing?"

"Can't" sighed Hidan, "He's in the utility room fixing the boiler."

"Hang on," said Deidara with a frown, "Konan said _she_ was going in there to fix it…"

They all stared silently at one another, before simultaneously clearing their throats.

"In any case," said Kisame with a smirk, "Don't be surprised if Pein comes back with paper cuts in unusual places…"

A few hours later, Hidan lay sprawled on the couch, slowly beating himself unconscious by banging his head on the arm. Itachi had somehow been roped into Kisame and Deidara's game of snakes and ladders (literally, as he had been tied to a chair and forced to play).

"Trust me Itachi-kun," Kisame said slyly, "I got a six!"

"Again?" cried the raven haired blind man in disbelief "Let me feel the dice you friggin' cheat!"

The door creaked open and an orange haired ninja limped in with a pained look on his face.

"That's a nasty paper cut," Deidara said, nonchalantly glancing at the bundle of tissue paper sticking out over the front of Pein's trousers.

Pein blinked at him. "How did you…" He stopped himself.

"How did I what?" asked Deidara innocently, as he made Itachi's counter explode in a fiery mushroom cloud.

"Nothing…" muttered Pein, avoiding the blonde's smug, eyebrow waggling gaze, "I was just filing some documents…"

"I'm sure you were filing something somewhere…" growled Itachi as he blindly tried to feel where his missing counter had gone.

Pein scowled and opened his mouth for a comeback, but it was replaced by a whimper of sudden pain and he was forced to retreat onto an armchair while clutching awkwardly at his groin. At this point, Hidan let out a long muffled groan of anguish as he tried to smother himself with a cushion.

"What's wrong with him?" Pein asked, watching Hidan tear the feathers out of the cushion with his teeth.

"He's bored," replied Deidara with a sigh.

"Bored?!" exclaimed Pein, "There's all sorts of things to do here!"

Kisame raised an eyebrow. "Like your 'origami' collection?"

Pein death-glared at the man-shark. "Like your Japanese fighting fish?" he retorted.

"YOU LEAVE SAMANTHA ALONE!!!" yelled Kisame, hurling the snakes and ladders board at Pein's face.

"Oh thanks Kisame," snarled Deidara, "We can't play if the board is lodged in Pein's brain! Now what are we going to do?"

Luckily, this question was answered by the blundering entrance of a certain masked Akatsuki.

"Hey guys!" Tobi cried happily as he stumbled through the door. He was covered in dust and cobwebs and seemed somewhat more disorientated than normal. "Guess what I found!"

"NO…" the entire room said unanimously.

"Well…" Tobi continued regardless, "For some reason I was lying in a heap at the bottom of the basement stairs…"

Hidan whistled nonchalantly.

"And after I popped my legs back into their sockets, I found these!"

Tobi gleefully stuck out a hand holding a bundle of purple slips of paper wrapped in an elastic band.

"What are those?" asked Pein suspiciously, "They aren't dangerous are they?"

"That last time wasn't my fault!" Tobi protested, "How was I supposed to know they would breed?!"

"Tobi!" Hidan interrupted, "The papers?"

Tobi blinked in confusion before remembering what he was talking about.

"Oh yeah!" he continued, "They're tickets for something called 'Spiritfest'."

"Spiritfest?" repeated Deidara curiously, "Isn't that a big festival of drug-smoking hippies and crazy idiots?"

"Really?!" exclaimed Hidan, "That sounds perfect for us!"

Itachi snorted dismissively. "Even so, the tickets must be years out of date," he said depressingly.

"Nope!" replied Tobi, waving the tickets in Itachi's weaselly face, "They say for next week!"

"What are fresh tickets for a festival doing in our basement?" asked Pein.

"Oh there's all sorts of shit down there," Kisame answered, "Literally; the sewage pipe burst last week."

Everyone glared at Deidara.

"What?!" he exclaimed with a scowl, "It wasn't my fault someone slipped me laxatives!"

"Oh yeah…" chuckled Hidan, "Those were fun times…"

Before a whole load of repressed memories could resurface, Pein clapped his hands together (wincing slightly and glancing towards his lap as he did so).

"Ok!" he called, "Sounds good! Hope there's enough for all of us!"

"Actually…" mumbled Tobi, concentrating hard to put his pre-school numeracy skills to good use in counting the tickets, "We're one short…"

"Hmm…" mumbled Itachi, "So one of us will have to stay behind."

Hidan grinned slyly. "I wouldn't worry about that…"

There was a sound of a toilet flushing. The bathroom door opened and out stepped Kakuzu, toilet paper trailing from the hem of his robe.

"The fucking toilet's clogged again!" he shouted into the living room as he wiped his hands down the front of his cloak.

He stormed into the room in frustration and stopped.

"Hey," he asked in puzzlement, "Where is everybody?"


	2. Chapter 2

It turned out that the woman in the photograph on the sunshade that Zetsu had commented on was the bus driver's wife. And apparently she wasn't pregnant.

As a result, the Akatsuki walked the remaining five miles to the festival grounds. The hot summer sunshine seared down on them, but with the use an ingenious parasol consisting of Tobi on a long stick, they eventually made it to the concert, tired and hungry. As they approached the prison-like outer fence that seemed a little oppressing for a festival of free and loose fruitcakes, they could hear the psychedelic music combined with undecipherable chanting drifting over the seemingly endless ocean of tents on the other side. The Akatsuki wearily joined the short queue leading towards the entrance. Most of the people in front of them were stick thin, with long tatty beards (including some of the women) and hair who wore shirts that looked like the designer had been on LSD when he came up with them. Considering the Akatsuki group included a giant fish-man, a half-man half-plant creature and something that looked like a walking lollipop, they didn't stand out too much.

When the line had moved through the ticket office, the Akatsuki waited eagerly for entry. Before the journey, Pein had very wisely chosen to take the tickets off Tobi and keep hold of them himself. Sidling up to the ticket inspector's box, the red-haired criminal produced a bundle of purple tickets with what was probably intended to be a confident flick of the wrist that actually looked quite camp. The guy in the box, a man with a long brown ponytail and goatee who wore a 'make love not war' T-shirt, frowned at them. He looked like the perfect example of a gentle, peace-loving hippie.

"What the fuck is this shit?" he snapped, spitting at Pein's feet.

Pein's expression was in the manner of Kisame's second cousin: Annette the goldfish.

"Huh?"

The hippie spat again. "You think you fuckers are getting in here with these bullshit tickets?" he said, picking up the tickets and tossing them mockingly in Pein's face.

"Hey!" Pein protested, jabbing an accusing finger at the sneering ticket inspector, "There's nothing wrong with those tickets!"

Classic Tobi moment: "That's right!" Tobi called over, "Tobi photocopied them himself!"

There was a moment of silence as each member of the Akatsuki considered whether or not they'd rather hang themselves than continue living with this imbecile. The ticket guy spat again.

"STOP DOING THAT!!!" Pein screamed in an outburst of pent-up frustration, "IT'S DISGUSTING!"

The man had a look of faint amusement on his hairy face.

"Now look here," Pein snarled, grabbing him by the collar and growling in his face.

The other Akatsuki saw the black belt around the man's waist but declined to mention it. Kisame brought out a video camera.

* * *

It seemed Kakuzu had finally found some luck as his frantic waving eventually attracted the attention of a passing taxi. Although slightly perturbed that a taxi was going down a stretch of empty road with nothing for miles either way, he decided it was better than walking on his own all the way after the "fucking conniving bastards", as he put it. Gratefully, he clambered inside the yellow vehicle with its blacked out windows and slight underlying odour of cookie dough ice cream. By the time Kakuzu had his seat belt on; the taxi was already speeding down the highway at a reckless speed. Kakuzu relaxed in his comfy polyester seat, all the while watching the meter above the rear view mirror to check how much it was costing him. It was at that point that he noticed that the air freshener was shaped like 'Hello-Kitty', which was odd for the average taxi-driver. Puzzled, he glanced around the taxi. His heart beat faster as he noticed a terrifying pattern. The cup holder contained a small carton of rice-milk, while the glove compartment was overflowing with Mikado. Kakuzu looked down to see he was ankle deep in empty cookie-dough tubs. But most frightening of all, he saw with horror that the dashboard was covered in photos and drawing of… HIM! There were also pictures of Hidan on there, mostly photoshopped naked onto pictures of Kakuzu. Each picture was covered in an assortment of love hearts and kiss marks. Dread rising in him, Kakuzu lifted his gaze to the rear-view mirror. At the sight of those unmistakeable feline ears atop the driver's brown hair, Kakuzu gulped. Inconspicuously, he reached a shaking hand towards the door handle. His clammy fingers clasped the metal. The lock clicked.

"Not so fast."

Kakuzu shivered at the sound of that menacing, squeaky voice. Like the child from The Exorcist, the driver turned her head around, a demonic, sugar contorted smile on her face. Her hair, probably modelled on a manga character, hid her human ears, while a pair of chocolate brown cat ears quivered excitedly atop her head. Kakuzu's well toned Fangirl alarms (which were on a direct link to his rape alarms) were sounding in his head as he desperately pulled on the unmoving handle. The fangirl leaned towards him, seemingly unconcerned that nobody was driving the taxi, revealing her pink T-shirt with 'I 3 Sushi!!!' printed in bold across the front.

"I drew this picture of you…" she chirped, unable to keep her voice level as she shuddered in a sugar-induced spasm.

The fangirl produced a piece of paper from a pink rucksack and held it in front of Kakuzu's sweating face. He went pale and almost threw up.

"Do you like what I did with your-"

"LET ME OUT OF HERE!!!" screamed Kakuzu, clawing at the locked door.

Apparently unable to contain herself a moment longer, the fanfirl launched herself in a predatory manner at the terrified Akatsuki.

"MARRY ME KAKUZU-SAMA!!!" she shrieked, attacking him with the fangirl's most devastating weapon: the _glomp_.

"HELP ME!!!" Kakuzu yelled, flicking fangirl drool out of his eyes.

His arms restrained by the fangasm strengthened teenage girl, he headbutted the window in panic. The tinted glass burst outwards and Kakuzu hurled himself through, forgetting that the taxi was hurtling along the road in excess of 100 mph. Luckily, the fangirl, coiled around him like an octopus, had been made soft and squishy by the several tons of cookie-dough she had wolfed down and provided excellent padding against the asphalt. As he bounced along, Kakuzu wondered if fangirls could be used as packaging insulation and whether this would fetch a profit. After a minute or two of high-speed rolling, Kakuzu and his fangirl attachment came to a stop just a stone's throw from the high metal fence of Spiritfest. Clicking his neck to the side, he carefully prised what was left of the fangirl's hands off his ass and tossed her prone body onto the ground. He stood up, stretching and rubbing his aching body. He glanced up at the festival going on just ahead of him and let out a contented hum. He hadn't gone a step before he felt an iron grip on his ankle. He looked down to see the fangirl, although mostly skinned and lying in a broken heap, latched onto his leg with a vacant look in her eyes.

"Damn!" Kazuku exclaimed, "You really can't kill a fangirl! There's only one thing I can do now!"

Rummaging around in his robe (you readers are so dirty minded) he produced a black hard-back book. With a bloodthirsty cry, he hurled it at the fangirl. Colliding with her face, it stuck there for a moment before falling to the ground. The word 'Twilight' was burnt backwards onto her forehead and her eyes glazed over. Kakuzu shielded his eyes as a blinding light shone out from her body. When he looked again, her cat ears had disappeared and her sushi T-shirt had turned into a 'Team Edward' one. Wearing a Cheshire cat style grin, the former manga fangirl picked up the book, slamming her eager face onto its pages. Slightly disturbed by the ominous slurping sound, Kakuzu left her to it and crept away towards the waiting festival.

* * *

Pein awoke to see Konan struggling to unravel a knot made of his legs. Kisame meanwhile could be heard grunting as he tried so remove an aubergine that had somehow been rammed into Pein's ear canal. With a sickening crack, Konan whipped Pein's legs back into position while the aubergine came loose with a concerning squelch. Kisame sniffed the orange-flecked object curiously before biting it in half hungrily.

"Tobi's a good boy!"

In far away Argentina, a baby was woken by the sound of Tobi's face exploding. After plucking bits of tooth from his fist, Pein sat up and breathed deeply to calm himself.

"Now what do we do?" asked Zetsu.

Konan clicked her tongue. "Well we can't get in without tickets, so we'll have to go home."

"Fuck off!" Hidan said, adding his well thought out and reasoned argument to the discussion, "We came all this way and I'm not gonna go all the way back again without even going in!"

Pein chewed his lip thoughtfully. "Any ideas?"

Zetsu coughed and everyone looked at him expectantly.

"Maybe…"


	3. Chapter 3

"Ever seen the Great Escape?"

Pein raised a quizzical eyebrow at the man-plant. "You what?"

"Where they dig a tunnel out of the POW camp?" Zetsu explained, miming the act of digging just to clarify, "Why don't we dig a tunnel _into_ the camp?"

The Akatsuki looked at each other, contemplating this plan and considering how high the chances of death were.

"Actually," admitted Konan, "That might work."

"But we don't have any digging tools," Deidara pointed out, raising a pedantic finger, "What are we going to dig with?"

There was a moment of hesitation as everybody thought about a solution, before Hidan stepped up to save the day.

"I have an idea" he said with a sly grin, putting a reassuring hand on Tobi's shoulder.

Tobi muttered a curious "nya" a second before Hidan slammed his face into the ground.

"Now chew!" Hidan growled, his foot pinning the hapless Akatsuki to the ground, "Or I ram Kisame's head up your ass!"

Neither of the mentioned men seemed to like the sound of that and sure enough, the sound of vigorous dirt-chomping could be heard a split second later. Tobi worked with admirable speed, creating a fairly deep hole in a matter of minutes. This is especially impressive considering he still had his mask on.

"I just hope this place has bathrooms," Deidara said.

Everyone shuddered in unison.

"Hang on," interrupted Pein, a thought only just occurring to him, "Zetsu, you can move underground anyway."

"And your point is?"

"Why aren't you making the tunnel?"

Looking down at the little Tobi eating his way through solid earth like some demented mole, Zetsu chewed his lip in thought.

"This is more fun to watch."

Funnily enough, nobody disagreed. Shrugging, Pein sat down with everyone else to watch Tobi once again bend the laws of Nature.

"Itachi?"

"Yes Kisame?"

"Are you eating popcorn?"

*chew chew* "Mhmm."

"… Can I have some?"

* * *

Just when the guy at the ticket office couldn't imagine his day getting weirder, a masked man in a black dressing gown arrived.

"Aw fuck," he moaned as Kakuzu approached, "Not another one."

Stepping up to the ticket booth, Kakuzu then stood there, staring silently at the man.

"Can I help you?" the man asked after ten seconds of awkward silence.

"Yes…"

They stared at each other for a while longer.

"Care to elaborate?" the man said, wishing there was a security button under his desk. Or a can of mace.

"I want to go in," Kakuzu said with all the passion of a brick.

"Do you have a ticket?"

The man saw Kakuzu's eyes dart to the left suspiciously.

"**What did you say your name was?!"** Kakuzu suddenly said very loudly.

"Huh?" muttered the man, "I didn't mention…"

"**Edward?!" **Kakuzu shouted again, a devilish grin hidden under his black facemask, **"Edward Cullen?!"**

The ticket man's eyes widened in terror.

"You bastard!" he screamed, clutching at his face despairingly, "What have you-"

His sentence was cut short by what sounded like the wailing of a thousand banshees drowning out his pleas for mercy. An earthquake-like rumbling heralded the approach of a mob of small figures charging towards them. Kakuzu saluted the man before deftly jumping out of the path of the stampede of teenage girls all bearing the 'Team Edward' shirt. 'Edward' shrieked in terror as his bones were slowly ground to dust by the unstoppable force of a hundred Twilight fangirls' glomps. Before long, the man's screams subsided into a slightly violated whimper, the writhing limbs of a mass of shrieking teenage girls flailing like some kind of demonic octopus. Kakuzu assumed he no longer required a ticket.

* * *

As was the trend at this festival, a circle of ragtag hippie types had formed amidst the forest of tents. Wisps of white smoke rose into the sky as each took surreptitious puffs from the various substances in their spindly hands. So you can imagine the sheer mental anguish caused when a line of eight people, including a man-shark, a walking lollipop and a large plant with legs, suddenly poured out of a two-man tent. The general reaction was to stare in disbelief before throwing down their narcotics proclaiming: "That's not right!"

Tobi stumbled ahead of the main group, panting like a small yappy dog and covered in dark brown dirt. He coughed out a small mud pie, beaming up at the other Akatsuki sadly.

"Tobi's a good boy?" he inquired hopefully, gazing up at the rather uninterested shark-man next to him.

"Very good, Tobi," Pein replied, patting him on the head in what was intended as a patronising gesture, but Tobi hadn't quite grasped the concept, so was unfazed.

Every eye in the group turned to gaze around at the wondrous sights of the festival. An array of multicoloured spotlights shone up into the sky from some way over the forest of vividly decorated tents in their path, while the frantic rhythm of folk music wafted over the thin mist of white smoke hovering like clouds above their heads.

"Alright, everybody stick together now," Pein instructed, before realising that he was on his own.

"Aw crap…" he sighed, unenthusiastically shuffling after the sound of scampering feet, "This is starting to turn into some kind of crack-fic…"


End file.
